Fear of failure

It happens to all of us.

For those who work hard and have a dream riding on the line, failure is not an option. But, it’s always there looming in the dark corners of my mind. I take a loss hard since I always strive to be the best at what I do. But, I have to remember that there will always be someone who will be better than me. That usually inspires me to work harder; but, to be the best, one must know failure. Although there are days that life will not help you and will do everything in its power to throw you in the fire. I always run away from a fire, only to find something to extinguish it. I can do my best, but there are people out there who pour gasoline, making it almost impossible to quell the heat.

I’m scared of people.

An example was on Reddit; I shared that I published my first book, and I got the attention I wanted. There I learned that people on the internet could be brutally mean for no reason. A Redditor took my post and smeared it with unconstructive criticism. He hated the cover; he hated my title, and without explanation, without reading my novel, hated the plot of my book. For some godforsaken reason, this hurts me so much. My heart was in pain; I had nausea, and I felt insignificant. I was told not to let other people dictate my feelings, but it still hurt when a stranger who has never written a book or finished a manuscript criticized me on my launch date. I will admit, I searched him and saw how much of a failure he was to make myself feel better. It was an incredibly petty thing I did, and it did not make me feel good in the end, just frustrated. Never again did I look up another critic or let someone destroy my mental state.

I was so afraid that I wasted my time.

There are days I sit down and think, “What can I do to be a cut above the rest?” I have bought marketing books, grammar books, researched how to sell my story, created a blog, and done everything I think is needed to put my name out there. I know hard work pays off. I see the slow process, which in turn makes me happy, yet eager for more.

Slow and steady, right? What if its not quick enough?

Now that I have a new job, I can market my book again and pray for reviews. Sales are excellent, but reviews make the book, and I do not want my project to be lost in the ever-growing forest of eBooks on the internet.

I’m terrified that my book can become lost like so many others.

As I work to become someone, it frankly annoys me when I see a known artist or politician drop a book one after another. I know this thought is jealousy to the extreme because I wish I had the income and fame they have; I mean, they make the bestseller list quickly, lucky them. Their book might be cow patty, but their marketing team and social standing help them offset prices. While mine is hopefully not bull patty, but I can’t get a sale in because I do not have the money to market well, or I don’t do a great job at it. At times I don’t think it helps that I’m antisocial; with more friends, I bet I could get retweets and exposure.

I’m fearful that my social circle is lacking, and I’m a nobody.

I knew this feeling came with the territory of a new writer; not many people can do it. Being under the microscope, people telling me my book is a rip-off, or I should die and quit since my character does not fit the usual norms, is a constant reminder that I have a lot to lose.

I am not scared of being the worst writer in the world; what I fear most is a false sense of accomplishment. I don’t want to fail, and fear reminds me of my humility and humanity. It reminds me of what I can accomplish if I become courageous.

Courage comes easy to those who know what fear is, and what is on the line. And by God, I will not be afraid anymore.